I came to a realization after reviewing my last 3 posts. For that matter, I took a long hard look at my life to find out what went wrong.
3 years ago, I decided to embark on a career in writing, and 2 months ago, against all odds, I did it.
Or so I thought.
The 2 months was a journey of hard knocks, mismanaged expectations and errors in judgment that came to a head on 28 September, when I resigned from my position as editor in the one company I truly believed was willing to take a chance on a rookie writer. The circumstances behind that decision were not at all pleasant, and the decision itself was the most difficult one I ever had to make.
Despite the support from my family and friends, the week that followed was a lonely struggle (in a sense) to stay positive. I spent the better part of the week thinking of an excuse to celebrate my new-found free time; a friend graciously sent me an international calendar of public holidays to justify why I was not working. My 9-to-6 weekdays were spent at the library, fervently writing for this previously neglected blog, determined to put Blogfathers back on track, with everything I learned in my short stint as a full-time writer, my own beliefs as a parent, and more importantly, with the remaining part of my heart that wasn’t worrying about where my next paycheck is going to come from and when.
I only realised my true emotions had found another outlet for release without telling me: my writing.
Much as I was told otherwise, I felt like I failed, in my career, as a father, as a writer, and as myself. And I was angry. I was so, so angry, with what happened, what I did and where I am now. I didn’t even realise what I was doing — what I was feeling — until I re-read my posts here and on Dear Xander, clicked through the e-mails I sent out, and remembered the conversations with everyone I spoke to, following my departure from what I thought was my dream career.
I absolutely hate writing to drive web traffic; it was a major reason why I had to leave my job. I live only for content, and so I stand by my beliefs as reflected in my words of the last week, and in all my writing; my one driving force in all that I say has been — and will continue to be — to stay true to myself, and make no compromise about it. As I pushed out those posts from last week, I knew I was going to step on some toes, but I didn’t expect the toes I stepped on the hardest to be my own.
The support I have received over the last week from my wife, my family, my friends, and you, the readers, has been nothing short of overwhelming, and I cannot easily put into words how humbled and thankful I am to have everyone tell me I’m doing more than okay with the craft I am still very passionate about honing.
And so comes the big question: can you expect more of what you saw last week, last month, or even since Blogfathers! started? You bet (but I will try to calm down a bit, okay?); I’m even reconsidering my previous position on taking up endorsements (I am unemployed now, you know).
I am only just bloody getting started, people.
But I realise that Blogfathers! cannot be a voice for all fathers, much less a community of dad bloggers, many of whom I have come to know and befriend, and very evidently have wonderfully loud voices of their own.
So one thing must change. I’m removing that “s” and making The Blogfather a singular term (good thing I purchased both domains). The site will be getting a revamp, too, logos and all (I’m anal). While the spirit of sharing fatherhood stories from the dad blogger community lives on in the Blogfathers! FB page, I am humbly relegating this site to just my own actions and my own voice, sharing what I learn from my own fatherhood experience, from my son, and from other fathers who are willing to teach me; my About page has been updated to reflect that sentiment. And if I sully any name with my writing, let it be my own and no one else’s.
From time to time, I ask my wife if she feels she made the right decision in marrying me. Her reply is always consistent: “With you, there’s never a dull moment.”
So let’s keep things interesting, then.